Get more out of conversations by asking about what would otherwise be unsaid

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One of legendary business professor Chris Argyris’s favourite tools when coaching executives was the two-column exercise. He would ask the individual to draw a vertical line down the middle of a blank sheet of paper and on the right side recount their own comments in a recent challenging conversation. On the left side they were to add the unspoken thoughts and feelings they experienced during the conversation.
It’s a reminder that in every conversation, we’re holding back – and so is the other party. Not all of it is vital. But some of it is essential, a treasure trove squandered.
Jeff Wetzler, whose career as a management consultant and executive has revolved around learning, says in his new book Ask: “When we remain in the dark about this valuable information, we suffer the consequences. We make worse decisions. We miss out on creative solutions to pressing problems. Our relationships stay surface level or even deteriorate. Our professional and personal growth stagnates.”
To unlock this unspoken gold mine, we have to probe. We need to learn about the other person’s struggles and frustrations. We need to find out what they really believe or feel about the issue at stake and gain from feedback they could offer. We need to unlock their ideas and dreams which they fear might sound crazy.
We need to ask.
That’s not easy. We often are cautious, wanting to be polite. Both of us are busy. The other person may be worried about the impact on us of their honest thoughts. They may feel sharing is not always valued by you. And sometimes they can’t find the right words.
It’s safer to not ask, but at a deeper level, potentially dangerous.
Indeed, Mr. Wetzler notes that while trust between the parties can help open connection, at times it can also backfire. The more someone cares about you and your opinion of them, the higher the stakes they may feel in sharing something that might land badly with you.
He urges you to choose curiosity – what he calls “connective curiosity,” not a general drive for information or the thirst to consume details about a subject area that we usually associate with curiosity, but a narrower, more focused desire to understand more about the thoughts, experiences and feelings of other people.
It will deepen your ability to learn from people around you. And as they realize what they know and have experienced is important to you, their desire to tell you also grows.
Curiosity has been viewed as an inherent trait or a state of mind that depends on the context. Mr. Wetzler urges you to view it as a choice – one you can make in any circumstance. Seek more information and knowledge. Expand your awareness with questions like:
Another important question he raises is: How do you make it easier for people to tell you hard things? You must find the space, time and mode of engaging that makes the other person most comfortable, allowing you to enrich and deepen your understanding of each other. Express vulnerability, which might then be mirrored, helping the other person to open up. Clarify your intentions to learn. For example: “I’d like to hear your thoughts on what I might be missing or overlooking. This will help us to get to a better decision together.”
Over the next few days, ponder the left side of your conversations – what is being left unsaid by you and where the other person may also be reticent to share. Consider what is being lost. Then get curious in conversations … and ask.
Quick hits
Harvey Schachter is a Kingston-based writer specializing in management issues. He, along with Sheelagh Whittaker, former CEO of both EDS Canada and Cancom, are the authors of When Harvey Didn’t Meet Sheelagh: Emails on Leadership.